Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes...
2007-12-13 22:20 -
Trigger warnings: depression/bipolar, unexpected death, suicide
This has simultaneously been one of the best and worst days in my life. I cannot say anything in detail about the good parts at this point in time, so instead, I’ll write a bit about the more sobering bits in order to get them off my mind.
I’ve been having problems concentrating for the entire day. A Caltech student from Ruddock unexpectedly collapsed and died early this morning; I learned of this immediately upon waking up. At the time, I decided that I should try to block everything associated with that unfortunate event out and to attempt focusing on studying for my Ph2a exam.
This didn’t really go particularly well, especially given that I was expecting a number of phone calls/e-mails and somewhat excited about them. It was very odd simultaneously struggling to repress triggers for depression while feeling giddy. The equations kept swimming and I couldn’t focus on making sure I understood all of the key ideas. At least I was late with my estrogen dose this week (forgot to get a refill) – otherwise, I’d be a /lot/ worse of an emotional wreck right now since estrogen dramatically increases the extent to which I feel highs and lows.
Around dinnertime, I went to the Blacker UCC meeting to discuss the death. We discussed ways that people might be coping or suppressing the event, and ways in which to provide emotional support. After the meeting, I went to Dabney and broke down a bit. All of the barriers I’d put up came tumbling down, and I felt incredibly guilty for having tried to ignore the death of someone in my community. I emotionally triggered a bit because of the fact that a little more than a year ago, Pavel, a fellow member of Dabney, committed suicide. I had broken down then too, because his death reminded me of the fragility of life, and of those I’d lost before – my fourth grade teacher Dan Meadows, and my cousin Roger. I’ve never quite come to complete closure for any of the deaths I’ve felt connected to. Who was I to try to be unaffected by one death, and yet affected by another? A human life is a human life. Regardless, I wasn’t the only one experiencing emotional trauma, and I spent a good deal of time crying as well as comforting others. Even though I know that it’s a perfectly normal response, it just seems so surreal to feel upset over the death of someone I never had a chance to meet, and never will meet.
Cousin Roger was the first person who introduced me to computer games – we played Dune II together when I had just acquired my first computer. He committed suicide as a senior in high school, but he set me along the path of loving to experiment with computer games and computers.
Mr. Meadows was my fourth grade class teacher. He was in so many ways a friend and mentor to me. Neither of us knew in how many ways I was different at the time, but he always took special care of me since I felt isolated from my peers – he knew about isolation, for he realized at a very young age that he was gay. It’s only long after his death that I realized how much of an ally he could have been, and how much he would be proud of me and supportive no matter how I identified. The person who took his life took a large part of mine, as well. Yet, I don’t feel any anger, only acceptance of what has passed and longing for an alternative future. Hate brings nothing but destruction.
Although I saw Pavel from time to time, he was a supersenior in Dabney when I was a sophomore and we never really got a chance to know each other well. I really regret not having stopped to take the time to get to know him, and perhaps to listen to him at a time when he may have wanted others to hear his anguish. It was his death that caused me to re-open all of the emotional wounds associated with losing loved ones, because they’d never truthfully healed properly.
Swaroop’s death wasn’t foreseeable or preventable – no amount of medical treatment would have saved him. So while I don’t feel a sense of deep regret, at the same time, this brings back all of the painful memories that I experienced last year around this time, especially with finals looming much like they did last year. Although I’m in a much more emotionally stable state now that I’m post-op, I’m still not sure that I have the ability to knuckle under and finish up this final. But I don’t want it following me around and taunting me like my unopened 2006 Ph2a final either. I may ask for an extension until Monday in order to give myself some time to clear my mind and put my thoughts back together, but avoid taking an I so that I won’t be saddled with another I->F fiasco. I think that my decision to leave Caltech is making much more sense to me – I do need to make a change in my life in order to regain my equilibrium and truly be happy.
To those who are departed from my family and close community, whether I knew you poorly or knew you well, may you rest in peace.
- Roger Ting (1980?-1996?)
- Daniel Meadows (1951-1997)
- Pavel Batrachenko (1986-2006)
- Sky Rashby (1979-2007)
- Swaroop Hebbale (1988-2007)
Deep stuff. It’s interesting how these things bring out all sorts of feelings, and each new instance rips at old wounds we thought were healing. I don’t know what to say, really, except that you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers and that I hope you find comfort and strength to take you through the worst of it. Thanks for sharing the link about your teacher. For me, the loss of innocence came in 4th grade, too. My friend’s mom was brutally murdered. These things don’t make sense, but they do become part of who we are.
— Nikki Dec 17, 07:03 PM #
hugs from a farm
— L Dec 20, 01:09 AM #
Dear Liz:
I was feeling utter loss and a vaccum that I just do not know how to deal with. I get depressed a lot. Swaroop’s untimely death is tragic and I was at a loss on how to handle the situation and to channel my emotions. Your writing is real straight forward, honest and realistic. Thank you very much for putting your thoughts and feelings into words. Reading the same has made me feel closer to Swaroop and yes, agree with you. I offer my prayers for his soul to rest in peace and pray also that the family will find a way to cope with this unfortunate situation. Hope u will overcome all things and shine in ur life. From a fellow human strager.
— Murali Singri Dec 20, 06:46 AM #