A personal note
2007-05-01 02:00 -
I sent this letter to Dabney and Blacker and a couple other individuals I am friends with at Caltech on May 1. I’ve reproduced it here with minor typesetting and linking fixes.
Hi, everyone – this letter is long, so please bear with me.
(quote excerpted from the Caltech LGBT list)
There is an article in the LA Times sports section today (4/26) in which sportswriter Mike Penner announces he will be starting a new life as a woman. The article describes the journey that has brought Christine to this point. It’s a personal and moving piece.
In addition to this local story, there’s been a lot of coverage of transgender issues this past week in the national media, as well as the introduction in Congress of H.R. 2015 which would prohibit discrimination on basis of sexual orientation and gender identity, protections that do not currently exist at the Federal level.
20/20 devoted a show titled “My Secret Self” to trans children between 6 and 17 years old – here are links to the accompanying articles: (1), (2), (3) ; MSNBC also ran a documentary last week titled “Born in the Wrong Body” about college students undergoing gender transition. I have copies of these, so if you’re interested in watching, please let me know.
I watched both shows on Saturday and was moved to tears – the experiences of the young adults they showed closely mirror much of my life. The documentaries have driven me to carefully consider whether I want to be involved in activism and education. I’ve come to the conclusion that there would be much more good than harm that would come from being more open about my past and acting as a resource for others.
I had discovered what being transsexual meant when I was doing a biology research project as a sophomore in high school, and instantly realized that I had found the words to describe the turmoil I had been struggling with since puberty – I felt that I was female, yet I had been born in a male body. Although I discussed the issue with my parents, we came to an impasse – they could not understand how I felt, and did not want to allow me to change. I came out to my high school almost exactly three years ago, at the end of my junior year; at that point, I was able to finally switch over and begin living my life honestly as myself, but without the approval of my parents.
My primary concern when I came to Caltech was to leave all of the baggage and labels from high school behind, and just be an ordinary member of the Caltech community. In high school, I was seen as trans first, and as a student second; people constantly commended me for my courage in coming out, rather than for my academic and extracurricular pursuits. I didn’t feel that it was courage; instead, it was an act of desperation and need that forced me to become more true to myself.
Now that I’ve been here for nearly two years, I think that I’ve gained what I’ve desired – to have a fresh start, and to give people a chance know me without any preconceptions. The Caltech community has taken on the role of being my family, since my relations with my parents have been strained. All of you deserve my complete trust, and I apologize for having had to conceal details of my life from you. I fundamentally dislike having to lie to people, telling half-truths, or dodging the simplest of basic questions in order to achieve a form of stealth. I’m opening up from this point forward.
One of the most common questions that’s asked is, “Are you planning to have surgery?” Before I answer this, I think it’s important to note that very few trans people are able to obtain the surgery – perhaps up to 1 in 500 people who are born experience strong transgender feelings, but some estimates have it that only 50% of trans people under 30 survive until 30 years of age due to being put out on the streets and being murdered or committing suicide, and that only 2% of us actually end up being able to afford and undergo the surgery that will permanently correct the physical incongruity of our bodies. There are many people who choose not to have the surgery, because they find that it’s unnecessary for their own happiness. Surgery is not a decision taken lightly – in order to qualify, patients must have been living in their new gender and taking cross-sex hormones for at least a year, as well as pass two independent psychological assessments. Being transsexual is about permanently changing the gender one experiences and presents to the outside world, not about sex. Sexual orientation is entirely orthogonal to gender identity – I consider myself to be lesbian, but there are people of all orientations who undergo transition.
In my case, I’m very blessed to have been able to scrape together the thousands of dollars for my reassignment surgery through working in the computer games industry. I’m leaving for Thailand on Saturday June 9, the day after finals are over, and I’ll be operated on four days later, June 13. Seniors, I’ve been celebrating the countdown to your graduation alongside you, but until now I haven’t shared why.
Before I finish this e-mail, I want to stress that despite the fact that I trust each of you who will be reading it, I would not like this information to be shared with or brought up in front of people that do not already personally know me, especially members of next year’s class of incoming freshmen until at least a month or two after rotation, and people outside of the Caltech community.
If you have any questions, feel free to ask me; if you’re not comfortable speaking with me, you can also talk to A.D or A.R.
Sincerely,
Liz
